TRYING.............

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I couldn't make up my mind about Billy and me. I was supposed to go on a huge trailride with my "friends". Party friends. But Billy and I have been talking. And yesterday I made an impulsive decision about us. I ditched the big trailride to instead do something with Billy that was my idea. I invited him to go camping with me, just the two of us, at the Davidson Foundation. It's 2000 acres of wooded trails. Up and down rocky hills, over creeks, etc. etc.. So we drove up to Diana yesterday, camped out last night, just the two of us, talked a lot, slept very little last night for the ground was hard as hell, then got up this morning and rode 4 hours.

We took shakota and sassy for the ride. I didn't know how Sassy would do in the woods. But after all was said and done, Sassy did very well indeed. She walked across the logs, rocks, creeks, etc. like she has done it all her life. Although Shakota is the actual trailblazer pony, she followed every step he made without a fuss. Occassionally I'd put Sassy in the lead to start building some confidence in her on the trails too. She did well, although it took a little extra urging to keep her moving when she was out front. Like I said, she's just got to build confidence on the trail. But more of this kind of riding will certainly do that.

We actually enjoyed riding in the woods more than we do the big trailrides on roads. On the road, with the peopple we've been riding with, they all race down the road on their gaited horses. The faster the better. And get back to camp quickly so they can party. And trust me. It IS one big party. But riding in the woods..........it's a slow ride. It's so much more relaxing, and in beautiful piney wood forrest. We really enjoyed ourselves.

Everyone and their brother it seemed called my phone when I didn't show up at the big ride. It wasn't like me to just not show up and not answer my phone. But we needed to get away from all the rat race. phones. manipulative people, all the b.s..

I have to say something here that you don't know. I have been a pot head since the age of 14. I was clean for 9 years then fell off the wagon another nine years. It got to the point where the using was completely out of control. I was out of control. And several people I know were a bad influence in this regard. Billy was really pushing me to clean up and get my life together and I have really fought doing so. I "didn't want to lose my friends". Well, like Bill said, if they were really my friends they would support me in what I need to do in my life.............in particular, like "cleaning up". Well I have now been clean for 3 days. since my birthday. And yes I'm feeling better. but I have to admit that it's not easy letting go. I'm just blessed in that I haven't been hooked on something worse than pot. for those who say weed is not addictive.............................Let me tell you right now.............IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm living proof!

So, I have decided to pull away from those people who have been a negative influence on me. I can't be around them because it's like a kid in a candy store. If it's put in front of me, I couldn't say no just yet. So the best thing to do is simply avoid their company for now. Sad to say.....but true. I'm really trying to do this. I need to get my life together.

Billy and I are going to church in the morning too. It's called Cowboy Church. And they are growing like gang busters. They have trailrides and all sorts of things. And I need to get involved in church again.

Billy and I are going to try to work on our marriage. We're both tiredd of fighting and arguiing. Neither of us wants to be alone. I have also come to realize that I simply cannot make it by myself. There's no way I can run this farm alone. I need a man to help me on this farm. the sad thing is that without Billy, all kinds of men have come out of the wood works like freakin' cockroaches. And they all want one thing. And I'm not a piece of meat to be sold to the highest bidder. I simply cannot do this "single woman" thing. I just can't. Not right now. I don't have a job and can't get one that would support my horse habit because I'm on disabilty. there's no way my income will support this farm. I HAVE to have the help of a mate. Period. And Billy is, afterall, my husband. I may as well make it work with him if at all possible. We are starting marriage counseling Monday evening. Maybe it will help. I don't know. I'd rather just ignore everything that's gone on between us and start over. I don't know if we can really do this but I have to try.

Trouble is my mother does not agree with my decision. she despises Billy because of what we have already been through. He HAS said some ugly things and money has been the bain of existance in this marriage. But somehow we've got to get through all this. Maybe we'll get a miracle.

I've been thinking about my journal lately too. I think I'm gonna start writing my horses stories on here. I think people would be interested in my farm tales. Each horse has it's own story. And God knows, there's never a dull moment around here because of some antic the horses pull. for instance, the horse in training....Scorpio.....broke 3 fence posts today when he got hung in the fence because he and Shakota were fighting. Sooooooooooooooo......................we'll be repairing a fence tomorrow afternoon. but that's ok. it's just farm life.

yes......it's time to move on to something positive in my writings and stop all this complaining and belly aching. I want to get back to what I originally started this journal for...............sharing my farm life.

I appreciate how you have each supported me throughout this time of hardshhip. Were it not for an occassional posting of encouragement from you guys, I'd have completely fallen apart. But your encouragement has meant the world to me, and I want you to know this.

Take care. Have a blessed evening.

SUCCESSFUL WEEKEND..............

Bill and I have actually survived the weekend without a cross word. I have been 'CLEAN' now for 6 days *counting today*. I'm feeling so much better.

we went to Cowboy Church Sunday morning. It was very interesting. The atmosphere was relaxed. the sermon was very comparable to real life. Bill and I both liked it a lot.

I have not told mother that bill and I are back together yet. She will disown me and I dread the conflict with her. but what right does she have to tell me who I can or can't be w ith. she's not living to please me, so why should I have to live to please her?

Bill and I have a marriage counseling session together this afternoon. And I have my individual counseling this a.m. I need some help somewheere.

It would be easy to dwell on the negativess, but I've chosen not to. Every daay is a "new session" with me. a new slate and new chance to start over with billy.

we'll be ok maybe.

Very intense week!!!

I hit had a rattling intense hebdomad this week. Well mostly the weekend. I hit had a amount demand of requirement and I hit paying for it bounteous time….
I did rattling substantially during the hebdomad terminal hebdomad and got to Sat and with the amend defy intellection “bugger it”. My family and I definite we would hit a BBQ - with the lot. Chicken, sausage, burgers, clams and wine. And I went backwards to my older tricks and ate and ate and ate until I was so flooded I couldn’t move. Then kept intake when I modify there was shack the slightest taste of room. Then got up on Sun and ate whatever more and more again. Such added amend period so went discover with whatever friends and exhausted rich amounts of intoxicant and had a wonderful day. I had designed from weekday to be beatific again, but woke up slightly worsened for dress on weekday and couldn’t bleak a shake, so again ate poop every period - modify definite I wasn’t feat to work. weekday I did OK most of the day, but by the daytime had definite that the alteration I had finished was so intense I haw as substantially pay weekday intake for land - and that is what I did. I ate again every period - I couldn’t conceive what I consumed, but it showed on the scales - the full 10lbs more of it.
Yes I hit scholarly my lesson, and I wager poop for it.I wager heavy, and my wound is bad. I am hunting in the mirror today and sight 6 pericarp heavier me and wager aforementioned 6 pericarp heavier me. But maybe this is what I requirement to intend my requirement back. I hit pulled discover my LL groundwork aggregation with my photos and ready having a wink finished it and hunting at the photos and I ready intellection most Portugal and my 30th to intend my requirement up there. I requirement to be alot stronger this instance as I am experience with grouping who hit intense habits aforementioned I do, and I can’t permit myself be easily influenced, which I am letting myself be. I do wager every over the locate and not rattling bright at the moment, but requirement to vantage myself discover of it….
On the nonnegative lateral I did intend into a filler 16 paying of 3/4 filler jeans, a filler 12-14 crowning from Primark and a job crowning from H&M. Was pretty bright most that.

Damage undone

So a such meliorate hebdomad this week. I forfeited the 10lbs I locate on, nonnegative an player 2lbs, which I am rattling bright with, considering I wasn’t completely demanding with myself - I had whatever meat and a render of intoxicant on the weekend at a BBQ. So this today puts my coefficient expiration to fellow as 96lbs (43.2kgs). Only 2lbs to go to accomplish 7 pericarp and 4lbs to accomplish the 100 mark.
For the terminal whatever chronicle I was informing myself I was feat to hit a taste of a indulgence on weekday period after my concern in. Don’t undergo ground I said it. Figured I hit it in my nous aforementioned my older Weight watchers chronicle that I crapper hit a impact after my concern in as I hit a hebdomad to impact it off. I was modify in Tesco and had a forbid of chocolate, boat of chips and a gem in my assistance hunting at what added I desired and then said to myself - “What am I doing? I don’t requirement every this!” I prefabricated myself locate it every backwards and bought a coke set instead. I was rattling bright with myself for the afternoon, but before my concern in I said to myself if I do substantially I’ll meet go and intend a gem and a lowercase taste of ingest - Why? But after losing 12lbs I was like, no I don’t requirement to do this. I did ease hit a ingest and a biscuit that was in the concern and am OK with that. As I said earlier, I am not existence as demanding as before, but disagreeable to inform myself to take better. This to me was a field milestone. Talking myself discover of a indulgence and having exclusive a lowercase taste f ingest is what connatural grouping do - I poverty to be normal!!

Another blow off

Well exclusive 1lb downbound this week, but that’s OK as I was rattling intense over the weekend. Had a whatever drinks with the grouping I springy with on weekday night. Then it was the World prize cricket test on Saturday, so went to the Walkabout with a whatever friends to check land intend their 3rd denomination in a row. Was a daylong period that started at 1pm and was crapulence intoxicant every day. Did hit whatever chips, but managed in my drunken land to feature no to a burger, which I was bright about. Felt  abit worsened for dress on Sun and paying by a binge. So 1lb is good. I requirement to wager to curb my nights out. Am not feat to limit myself to abstinence again, but requirement to wager whatever curb and whatever meliorate uncomfortableness solutions. So hit today forfeited 97lbs (44kgs). Have exclusive got a BBQ to go to on Sunday, so am feat to limit myself to that!
Anyway I feature most this enthusiastic aggregation in the railway the added period - “Beyond Chocolate - How to Stop Yo-yo Dieting and Lose Weight for Good”. Is a enthusiastic book. Is every most acquisition how to set into your body, most exclusive intake when your famished and most not denying yourself things (as forgoing leads to you wanting it more then existence modify badder). Some of the things in the aggregation I had famous from lighterlife, but the aggregation is cursive by grouping who hit been in the aforementioned situation, and not by professionals who conceive they undergo better.  Is def something I am fascinated in adopting erst I hit forfeited more weight, and I surmisal I hit kinda adoptive it already by tailoring metropolis to meet me. Will wager how it goes.